Not many years ago, my paths crossed with Ado Doguwa. We were both appointees of the then President of the Senate, Ken Nnamani. The Ado I knew was a very gentle unassuming person. It was clear then, that like the rest of us, he was a peculiar appointee. He had lost his election as a ranking official of the House of Representatives and was evidently working to reverse the ill luck. Politicians hate desk jobs. Why stay under the shadows when you could be the rainbow?
Evidently, working his way back to elective office occupied his time at the Senate President’s office that we didn’t have time to bond. Last week, as Ado returned to the House, I discovered how much I missed.
Ado returned to the Green Chambers with his four wives in tow. But he wasn’t content with them sitting through his reintegration, he had to exhibit his assets. Between his four wives, he has sired 27 children and was quick to tell the world that he is still counting. This is the stuff of legends, but Ado is barely 54 years old, in the prime of his virilous youth.
Fathers of three children who dance the agama dance need to genuflect before this Olympian. They excuse their lack of capacity in the other room with stupid excuses such as the transformation that pregnancy imposes on their fertile women. Some wives would only take in on the condition that their husbands adjust their supposedly busy schedules to witness what pregnancy and childbirth does to women.
These effeminate men find gestation periods nerve-wracking. From Ado, we have learnt that having babies is not for sissies and most of us are unfortunately effeminate. Working through 27 childbirths within a lifespan of 54 years means an average of six children per wife.
Male wimps complain that children take a lot out of them and their spouses. They regale bachelors with old wives’ tales of the physical and psychological exertion of pregnancy; the sicknesses associated with gestation and the permanent alteration that occurs after childbirth. They compound the story by swearing that delivery doesn’t end the pain for responsible fathers. They talk about the sleepless nights when babies cry needlessly while parents try to decode their needs.
Parents, who subscribe to exclusive breastfeeding, talk of being imprisoned with the desire to ensure that the child gets fed fresh mother’s milk. Those who supplement with baby formula talk about craters in their income. Responsible fathers talk about those moments when they have to switch roles to ensure that their spouses get the rest they desire to rejuvenate.
I have tales of weak daddies changing diapers; some even back their own kids. I have heard stories of daddies keeping vigil and clearing the house of dangerous encumbrances – keeping the baby away from harm and harm away from the baby. To add to the silly tattle, they say that babies fall ill because we live in a world filled with viruses and germs toxic to a tot’s weak immunity. Ado has done all these for 27 children and can’t wait to resume duties – that’s a superhuman feat.
Lazy men talk about children growing. They want the best crèches, kindergarten and schools with fees that leave no craters in the pocket. Uniforms need to be supplied and the silly tots quickly outgrow both the dress and accompanying shoes. Then there must be appropriate learning aids. The worst is being asked by teachers to supervise homework.
Honorable Ado has done all these 27 times in addition to his full-time job as a lawmaker. I must add, not once has he been captured sleeping on the floor. What looks incredible to a tired father of three is trite occupation for extra-gifted Honorable Ado Doguwa!
I take no mind to the account of Honorable Gbajabiamila – the one-man, one-woman politician whose only ‘power’ was gifting his wife a G-Wagon that he took years of thrift savings to purchase. Gbaja ostensibly one of the weak ones, tried to take the shine off Ado’s vaunting by implying that his colleague has evidently lost count.
The Speaker recalled a story Ado told of coming home after a hard day’s job desiring a good night’s sleep but being disturbed by noisy soccer-playing brats he believed were offspring of irresponsible fathers roaming free at 9 p.m. You know, the type that veteran Frank Olize had to remind to look for their welfare before network news. Ado reportedly shouted for them to go home oblivious that the playmates were actually his own. Evidently, Ado would need the National Population Commission’s to do the counting for him.
I understand that the Revenue Mobilisation and Fiscal Allocation Commission, RMFAC is working hard to increase the already jumbo pay of Nigerian lawmakers. I agree with Honorable Ado Doguwa that there is room for expansion both of his loins and in his house. Our country needs such heroes, after all, we too are supposedly 200 million and counting.